It's Ansem's Show!
by The Six of Hearts
Summary: Ansem's show is back! Ansem has a radio show where he reads the letters of the advice-needy. The proble is that he caused most of them! Sepiroth and Cloud can't defeat each other, and Riku is scared of dresses! A humor like no other.
1. Let's Start!

6H:Hey guys! I came up with this as I was eating dinner!

Anaretsu: Must be all the salt you put on your rice...

6H:It's a humor fic!

Anaretsu: Dear god, no...

6H:Ansem gets his own show!!! What chaos will ensue? I don't know! READ!!!

----

It's Ansem's Show!!!

By The Six of Hearts

Chapter 1-Let's start!!

----

The door to the recording room opened slowly as he walked in-an imposing figure with long silver hair and tanned skin. He had a whole stack of letters from people seeking advice from him. Yes it's true-Ansem had his own talk show about trying to help people with their troubles. Strange as it was, he felt he needed to make improvments in his life, like getting his damn coffee maker to work right...

"Guardian, come out here!" he called to the dark corner. And there came out his guardian that had frustrated many a warrior. "Guardian, if there is a letter I do not like, I want you to eat it! That is your new task." he told the shadow. It looked at him kind of weird, but then nodded. Ansem sat down in the swivel chair and put on the headphones, ready to start his show. He got the ready light from his crew and heard the intro music.

"Hello everyone and welcome to my show. Today I have many letters that you've been sending me over the past few days. Let's start with this one..." he pulled one out of the box. It was in a slightly crumpled envelope with sloppy handwritting.He opened it up and pulled out the letter. "Alright...

"Dear Ansem,

There is this guy I've known all my life who is really great. He protects me like I was his sister, and we get along really well. however, he is really depressed that he couldn't stop his world from beng destroyed, so he changed his name and sulks all the time. I really like him alot and want to help him out.What should I do?

Signed, A Helpful Ninja."

He was painfully aware of who had sent the letter, but just didn't say anything. "Well, Ninja, it appears that this person has lots of guilt, and there is really nothing you can do to stop that. However, if you give him time and stop crowding him and leave him alone for a damn mintue, he will somehow come around and start using the right name. Our next letter..." he reached into his magic box and pulled out a new letter. It was on ratty paper that seemed like it had been carried around for awhile and come from a far away place.

"Dear Ansem,

I am the almighty keyblade master!!! (Yeah!!!) I not only have great pals but a wonderful girlfriend. However, my girlfriend is stuck on my home island and I am stuck in a neverending field that only leads me to a castle where all my memories disappear. To stop the aching pain of missing her, I decided to try and pick up other girls. There are very few girls to be had here, and the ones I do find are always scared off by my two pals. Now, these guys have stayed by me no matter what, but they're kind of old and out of style. How should I tell these guys that they're my friends, but they're cramping my style?

Signed, the Almighty Keyblade Master."

'Great...'Ansem thought, thinking about his past enemy and arch rival. He sighed and decided to just stay calm and stick with the program. "Well, master, it seems that you have quite a problem. First of all, you shouldn't be cheating on your girlfriend, even if it is just because you miss her. So if you can, please stop trying to pick up girls. And about your friends, it's better to tell the truth then having it come out later after a bunch of lies. Believe me, I know. I lied to a whole WORLD of people, and then sent them all into oblivion for it. Heh heh...I mean, anyway, you should tell them that even though they're your friends, they are worthless sleezebags that can't do anything right and you'd be better off without them!" He crumpled up the paper and threw it to his guardian in the back of the room. It looked at it, poked it, and then, hesitantly, chewed it up and swallowed it, the nastly taste of paper sticking in his throat.

"Dear Ansem,

GIVE BACK BELLE. NOW!!!!!!!!!" Ansem rolled his eyes and threw the letter to his guardian again. "Moving on to our next troublesome, pathetic-I mean, aching soul....

"Dear Ansem,

I am an angsty teen who had a strong desire to leave my island to see other worlds. A man came, claiming to help me, so I opened myself to darkness and caused my world to disappear. However, this man did not help me at all. Instead, he put me in clothes that resembled skirts and dresses, gave me a horrible sounding voice and made me sound like a maniac who could talk about nothing but darkness. Although I am somewhat cured from this tragic event in my life, I have a MAJOR problem. I am afraid of anyone in a skirt or dress. This is having a huge impact on my love life. Please help me.

Signed, A Boy who Does NOT wear dresses."

'Oh damn...I knew taking over the boy was NOT a good idea...' he thought, rubbing his forehead. "Well, Ri-I mean boy...perhaps you are not cut out to date at all. Or maybe you can only like guys. The fanfiction authors certainly think so...However, I don't think this man you talk about is all that bad. He certainly did NOT put you in dresses. I think it was your overactive imagination playing tricks on you. Please think before you act next time..." he threw the letter to his guardian, who was nearly gagging from eating the gross paper.

"Well that is all the time I have for today. Please tune in tomorrow and send me your letters." he shut down the recording machine and looked back at his guardian, who was nearly barfing. "If you're going to do that, at least do it outside, guardian! Or I will ramble on and on about darkness!" The guradian looked frightened and disappear, going to vomit in the first flowerbed he saw. Ansem sighed and leaned back in his chair, only to have it fall backwards. He stayed sitting in his fallen chair, annoyed.

"Damn it...." he growled.

----

6H:Did you like it?

Anaretsu: No.

6H:Anyway, I suppose you can guess who sent which letter, but in case you couldn't...

1-Yuffie

2-Sora

3-The Beast

4-Riku

6H:Next chapter-Sephiroth and Cloud need some help, and Kairi has a crisis! 


	2. Where's a rant on Darkness when you need...

6H: Welcome back everyone! Sorry for the delay. School, life, Shattered Fragments (which you should really read if you like this fic...)

Anaretsu: STOP trying to advertise your stupid fanfiction!

6H: I can if I want. Anyway, enjoy our next hilarious chapter.

It's Ansem's Show!

Chapter 2-Where's a Rant on Darkness when you need it?

"La la la...darkness, darkness, darkness..."Ansem sang cheerfully as he walked into the studio. His guardian covered its ears upon hearing the discordant sound-Ansem did not sing well at all. He had with him a new stack of letters for this week's show. It was time for him to give advice to his faithful fans.

"Welcome back, everyone. It's time for me to read some of your letters. Let's see who's first..." he reached inside the box and pulled out a pink envelope. The letter was written on nice stationary and had very neat handwritting. "Okay...

Dear Ansem,

A little while back, my two friends and I were seperated due to a storm on our island, and now we're all apart, with me being left behind. The one promised to come back for me, and I'm hopefully waiting but something has just happened to me-another boy on the island asked me out! I know my friend will keep his promise, but this other guy's carribbien accent is too hard to resist! What should I do?  
Signed,

A girl left behind."

"Well, my dear, it seems to be a tight spot you have there...so I'll give you a fool-proof plan that'll make everyone-espicially you-happy. I say go out with your carribbien friend-that is, until this other boy get's back. As soon as he returns, ditch your boyfriend and then everyone is happy. Next!" He threw the paper behind him. Relutantly, the guardian swallowed it down. "Alright, I have a new letter here..." This one was carved into a sand colored rock and was very short. It didn't take Ansem long to read it.

"Need Advice. Was used by Flamming-hair man. Can't defeat my rival." It read. Ansem rolled his eyes.

"Well, you do need adive, that's for sure. Try writting on paper next time. Anyway, get over being used-it happens to the best of us. "Ansem slightly snickered when he remembered how easy it had been to take over Riku for his own uses..."Uh... anyway, it is very easy to posess people and get them to do what you want, so it's not such a big deal that this "Man-with-flames-for-hair" used you to get what he wants. As for your rival, just stab him in the head while he's sleeping." He threw the rock behind him. The guardian attempted the eat it, but ended up choaking on it instead. The guardian clutched his throat and began waving his free hand around wildly to attract the attention of his master for help, but Ansem didn't see.

"All right, let's try another one..."he said warrily. He took out a black piece of paper that looked particuarly sinister, and the message on it seemed to be written in something that looked alot like blood...

"Dear Man in the Talking Box,

I am Sepiroth-master of all! But you don't know that...so, I had been running around, conquering worlds, when suddenly, my rival shows up! Of all the arogant things to do-he just waltzs right in after some kid defeats me with a large unlocking device and says 'Oh, blah blah, I'm miserable, you're my darkness, blah...' and then we fight and it ends in a draw! I was so humiliated that I decided to torture some victims and then do some world hopping to see which ones were particularlly weak and would fall easily to me. That's when I saw the scareist thing ever. ONE OF MY VICTIMS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE. It was awful. Please tell me how to get rid of this awful emigma. And you'd better give me good advice, because I had to kill my best victims for ink!

Signed,

Sepiroth-Master of all! But you don't know that...

PS-SUBMIT TO MY WILL!

"Well...Master of all, let me just say that I don't do the submitting-weak people do-to MY darkness. So you can't have the darkness-it's mine. Let me start by saying that you are a pansy. Your fight was a DRAW, for god's sake! A DAMN DRAW! That's nothing to get all weepy over! And if you are 'the master of all'-excpet darkness-then why couldn't you have defeated the little whimp who's your rival? About this emigma, why didn't you just kill them AGAIN? Man, you aren't very bright if you can't even figure that much out on your own. I wouldn't want you as Master of all expect darkness." Suddenly, a red light started blinking on his phone. "It's seems we have a phone call, people! Hello, this is Ansem's show, how can I help you?"

"I COMING FOR YOU, BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE MY POWER!" Sepiroth yelled. Then the line went dead.

"Well, that'sallthetimewehavethanksforlistneingBYE!" Ansem jumped from his seat and ran out the door. A few seconds later, Sepiroth ripped down the door with his sword and stepped in cautiously.

"WHERE ARE YOU?" he yelled. "I have come for you, Ansem!" He looked around and saw the guardian on the floor, barely alive. "I'll kill you instead! Just to satisfy my homicidal urges!" He sliced through the guardian, who disappeared. Something heavy fell to the floor-the rock it had been trying to ingest. Sepiroth picked it up and read it. His eyes twisted in anger as he tried to clench the rock in his hand and break it.

"Damn you, Cloud..."he said.

6H: I hope you enjoyed that chapter!

Anaretsu: No, not really.

6H: The letters this time around- 1.Kairi, 2. Cloud, 3. Sepiroth (of course.) Next time-Jack Skellington develops a strange allergy, the Magic carpet needs help and writting lessons, and...Sora's mom needs adivce! Good lord, it's getting hetic! Again, sorry for the delay on this chapter. Hopefully, next time will be sooner!  



End file.
